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Ask FlyLady!
Ask FlyLady is one of our favorite parts of FlyLady.net. We get so many questions sent to us everyday, that we have decided to share some of these questions and FlyLady's answers with you. You may be surprised by what she has to say! Enjoy.
If you are looking for something specific on the site, please use the Google Search below.
If you would like to Ask FlyLady a question, send an email to AskFlyLady@FlyLady.net with Ask FlyLady in ths subject line. Please keep in mind that only questions chosen to be posted here will be answered due to the large volume of questons submitted.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
No prices...
Dear FlyLady,
Actually I have a question about your FlyShop. How come there are no prices underneath the items for purchase? You have to add the item to your shopping cart just to see the price. Wouldn't it be easier to have each item priced on the FlyShop page? Just my humble opinion!
Thanks for all your kick in the pants advice!
Flying in Long Island
Dear Friend,
NO; all you have to do is click on the item and it takes you to a full description with the price included.
I designed the front page of the FlyShop to be the display window of our shop. Not the catalog. To add them to your shopping cart you have to go to the page with the cost right there. The shipping is added when all items are put in the shopping cart.
Here is an example of the specific item page that you get to when you click on the item in the FlyShop.
- FlyLady
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
He was never happy...
Flylady here - This question was posted on our Hey Tom Website. If you have never been there take a few minutes to check out our guys answers to your tough questions. www.heytom.net.
This question goes right along with yesterday's question on Ask FlyLady.
Hey Tom,(and guys)
I really appreciate,admire and respect the work you men do and how honest you respond to perplexed women. OK** I began to "fly" for real about 1yr. ago.subscribed for about 5yrs. have 5 children take care of 2 elderly parents and have been married 18 yrs.(last 9 been going to professional counseling)Last year we found one who actually helps. My dh has been controlling and verbally abusive just about from "I DO" It started out slow and sarcastic and escalated into threats of physical violence. He moved out the night before Father's Day.(relief)He moved into my parents basement other end of our driveway to keep tabs on me.
MY QUESTION::::
How come the more I got it together,the house,taking better care of myself,getting fit,teaching routines to the children....every time I'd get a new habit established he would pile on something else? He was NEVER happy. Remember FlyLady wrote once do not be surprised once you get the house in order he may have to deal with OTHER issues (IT IS NOT THE HOUSE)
2) We are doing "controlled separation" through the first counselor who could ID what was really going on.
(Q) Why is it the more fit and curvy I get,and the more the house becomes a home the more agitated he gets? It is worse since he moved out. Now he is trying to prove to the counselor and others I'm an unfit mother...The counselor inquired about his concerns declared them invalid. told him he could NOT say they would be better in foster care than with me.
3) He has let the home fall into great disrepair.
All things that guys would normally take care of aren't done. Only one burner works right on the stove,the boys room has a light fixture hanging by wires,I can't lock up the house because he won't put the doorknob back on.The foundation of our lovely 1908 home has a few 1/2" cracks which should be caulked and we get critters in the basement. the snakes are the worst. My car had tires so bald(I had NO IDEA) if my blowout would have happened on the Hwy. we could have been really hurt.
DO I REPORT ALL THIS LIST TO THE COUNSELOR???
I'm NOT doing it as retaliation(he would think this) I want him to get a clear picture of what is going on. we can't even walk into the garage...debris,chaos etc. When his father was alive,3yrs.ago, dh would spend ALL day Saturday crisis cleaning the garage because his dad was coming.
Now he won't even help with the safety issues.
What do you think? I know your not a counselor I have one of those, I just really miss all my old guy friends I had before I was married. They were great.
I know I can't control his behavior or change him, but as I make changes in MY own life he gets harder to live with. I have been totally faithful,loyal and committed to him. He has NO IDEA what a good thing he has in me.
Thanks for your help. Cherie (means "dear one" in French)
Dear Friend,
Robert Here:
First of all, yes, you absolutely should share what you have said here with your counsellor. For counselling to have any validity, it has to be adapted to your own situation, and the more factual detail the counsellor has, the more he or she will understand you, not as some generic woman, but as the unique individual you are. A good counsellor who understands the client can do wonders, but no one knows your story but you; they are not mind readers.
The rest of your letter really asks one question, although it wears several masks. For an answer, let's begin at a military boot camp. It doesn't have to be one of ours, because the world over, this part of the training process works the same way. The recruit has to be dehumanized, and his ego has to be knocked unconscious, before the trainers can turn him into a soldier. Hence the haircut, the baggy uniform, the mindless drills, the humiliation. Once the cockiness and pride and self-respect have been whipped out of the recruits, different versions of those things can be injected, that serve the purpose better. Now, let's look at how an abuser works on a victim whose life he largely controls. Pride? "You look like _______! You're (fat) (skinny), your cooking is terrible, you keep house like a pig!" Any of that sound familiar? If your ego goes low enough, you won't think about leaving him, because who in their right mind would have you? Do you see why improving your housekeeping, your presentation, and your self-esteem, are a threat to him? They give you an option he didn't want you to have. As for the home repair, he may simply be a sorry repairman, and doesn't want you to see any of HIS shortcomings, since his superiority over you, in every way, is an important part of his ego system. Or he may be punishing you, or trying to goad you into saying something that he can twist out of shape, be offended by, and then blame you for making him angry. Oh yeah, tell the counsellor, because what you have said fits a certain pattern, and the counsellor will probably recognize it.
- FlyLady
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Husband wants out...
Dear FlyLady,
My husband wants out of our marriage. Can a flybaby with a broken heart still fly?
FlyBaby E
Dear Friend,
It is more important now that you take care of yourself. FLYing is all about loving yourself. When you do, you will not NEED to find fulfillment in a man who doesn't love you.
I know it is hard right now but this time in your life can be a major turning point for your future. You have to embrace yourself like you have never done before and find out who you are without a man to depend on for self-esteem.
If he does not love you now there is nothing you can do to change him. All anyone can ever do is change themselves one babystep at a time. Why would you want to be with a man who does not love you! Don't you think better of yourself than that.
Look hard at what caused your marriage to fall apart. Be honest and accept your responsibility in it too. A guy just doesn't wake up one day and want a divorce. This is the last resort to the piling up of problems. These problems pile up like our clutter and we continue to ignore them and what they are doing to our home and our marriage.
Start keeping a journal of your thoughts. You are encouraged to mourn the loss of the relationship. This is like a death in the family, but you are not allowed to crawl into the coffin with the deceased. You have a life and it is up to you to find out who you are without this albatross around your neck. If he doesn't love you then good riddance to him. One day you will see what a blessing this has been in your life.
Several years ago my second husband did this to me. Out of no where; so I thought he got mad and left. I never saw him again. At first I was devastated by his actions. I had never been with someone who wasn't even willing to work on the relationship. It was our very first fight. At the time I was really shook up and felt myself falling back into a depression I had few years earlier. I knew right then that I needed to get some counseling and I did. I didn't wait till I hit bottom either. I found some help and it prepared me for the most amazing life that I had never dreamed of.
His first assignment for me was to write a thank you not to my soon-to-be exhusband. It was five pages long and was probably my best writing ever. I thanked him for being mean to me and opening my eyes to his deceit. Because without his decision to walk out; I would still be trying to make everything work and ignoring the signs of a doomed relationship.
We don't like change. In fact we want to be in control all the time and when we are not we start to feel frazzled. This is another part of our perfectionism.
Take this time to get to know you! Yes you can FLY now and before you know it you too will be able to smile and truly thank him for his inability to love. You deserve to be loved and when you find this love in yourself you will be open to what ever God Breezes come your way!
{{{HUGS}}}
- FlyLady
Monday, August 25, 2008
Phone help...
Dear FlyLady,
I was surprised to hear you have a phone issue- I am addicted I sometimes spend hours on the phone in the evenings with my friends - while my family watches - I have recently realized playing a game with my kids while I talk to a friend is not quality time. I am ashamed. When you said it was to you - company I realized I too use it for such - I have to connect or I might miss something - I want to quit but - I know I have tried before and then I feel cut off from the real world like I have no friends - and I get depressed - this is crazy. I truely feel like an addict. any ideas? I am a full time working mom have a dh of 10 yrs and dd7 ds4. They like your sweeetie would not know what to do if I did not have the phone attatched to my head - and my friends would think i had fallen off the earth-
help FlyLady!!!
Dear Friend,
It is not so much that we are addicted to the phone but we need the adrenalin fix that we get from helping to solve the world's problems. Why do we feel that we have to be the ones to do this. It is not just the phone but it can be chat rooms or message boards on the computer. I used to not be able to go an hour without being connected to my friends on the internet. I began to realize that there are priorities in all things. When my sweetie is home; he deserves my attention.
The FlyLady Clingie was born to remind you to get off the computer and get on with living and loving your family. Who is more important to you; phone friends, internet friends or the people who are in your home. If these people are really your friends; you can talk to them about this. They probably have families they are neglecting too.
Many of our FlyCrew have children in school. I know that when it is time to pick those kids up that the children are the most important thing; hearing about their day and the ins and outs of being a kid. When your husband is home; he deserves the same attention.
My most productive time of the day is in the morning. I have written books by sticking to my schedule of not talking on the phone in the morning. I am beginning to think that talking on the phone may not be the best way to communicate with friends, people I work with or family.
Tell your friends and challenge each other to cut down on telephone time? Schedule a time to talk or set a timer so you do not lose track of how long you have talked. This is an important step to decreasing your need to be there for everyone. It is all about learning to set those priorities and say NO! Especially to yourself!
Here is an essay from Kelly from 2000. This essay may shed some light on why we have the problem of telling people NO!
Dear Friends:
Years ago when Marla was putting me through her tests to become her helper with this list we talked a lot about what makes us SHE's. We recognized that there seem to be some common factors among SHE's, but the one that stands out to me the most is that almost all SHE's are pleasers. Meaning we always aim to please everyone but ourselves. We get so caught up in taking care of everyone else, that we have a tendency to lose who we are.
We are Mothers, Wives, Partners, Soulmates, Sisters, Nurses, Maids, Teachers....okay I think you understand. My point is this, if we are so busy trying to please everyone else, what happens to us? We have set ourselves up to fail because we are taking on so much trying to please everyone else. Don't get me wrong being a pleaser is not a bad thing as long as you
have a good grip on your limitations. I love taking care of my husband, my kids and my home, I love to do things for them that pleases them, but not at the expense of me. They need me far too much for me to continually overextend myself trying to please everyone. To be happy with everyone else, you need to be happy with yourself. You need to love who you are and all the wonderful things that you are. Be willing to accept changes, be willing to try new things, be willing to say NO to the things that will not please you or bring you pleasure. Prioritize those that need you and let someone else do some pleasing.
Seriously, after being a room mother for the past 4 years in two classrooms, I am finished! Someone else can do what I did and do it just as well. There are 60 other mothers between the two classes and I am not going to be guilted in to doing it again, just to please someone else. You do not HAVE to be a room mother, a den mother, the team mother etc., but SHE's have a tendency to take on these roles because we always want to please! When you take on too much, you are going to fail somewhere and usually you will be failing yourself. Don't sacrifice yourself just to please others. Give of yourself what you can afford to give, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Love,
Kelly
- FlyLady
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